Me, Myself & I

    Been awhile since I have written in here but that is due to being very busy with volleyball but also seeing that in growing it takes more than a week to really learn something and I have been trying to take time to work on the things God is showing me. Growing takes time, continual effort every day and can't be rushed. I relate that to volleyball, when we started our inaugural season this year our players were at a certain level. We are now nearing the end of our season and I can see the results of the work they have put in and how they have grown as players and as individuals. Some have worked harder than others and you can see the difference in those that always gave 100% every day compared to those who didn’t always work their hardest. That is how I am striving to be in my own life, I have to give 100% to God every day otherwise my growth will be minimal. But you can't grow as a player or as a christian if you don't know what to work on. I am so thankful and very blessed to have a couple of people in my life who speak hard truths to me in love because they are true friend and care for me. Recently I had been feeling that I was missing something, that something was wrong and I wasn't addressing it. Thanks to a man I respect very highly and who is like a second father to me and a great counselor to me, he helped me see a sinful root in my life that I have not dealt with completely and that is the root of selfishness. 

I know, I know, we all say it to ourselves, "we know we are selfish" but this was different. This was so much deeper and it hit me at the core and brought me to tears because of my wickedness. God gave my mentor Steve wisdom to point out to me ways I had let my root of selfishness saturate everything in my life. All of my relationships with others, whether they are friends, family, co-workers, etc. has been affected greatly by my sin of selfishness. I have driven people away from me unknowingly because of how selfish I really am and that hit me hard and stung very deeply. Everything I had been doing in my life was about me and my desires, my lusts, my happiness, my satisfaction, my prosperity, me, me, me, me, me. Yet, I fought that thought because I am a giving person and I strive to do things for others and be selfless. That may be true, but what were my motivations? The question then comes, what is my motivation in life or what is the purpose of my life? Sadly, the answer was what can I get out of this or whats in it for me. When I didn't have my prayers answered I found myself angry at God or getting angry for not giving me what I felt He should. The flood gates opened and I kept going with so many selfish thoughts and really saw my anger and bitterness towards God because I had made what I desired truth and felt I deserved those things. I had made myself a god and thought I knew what was best. Oh how wrong I was and I praise the Lord for making my sin blatantly clear to me. 

    Steve encouraged me to write down all the ways I was offending God with my selfishness and to confess and forsake them as the Bible teaches. I did so and I praise the Lord, for He is greatly to be praised, for He forgives those who confess their sins and helps us to renew our hearts through His Spirit and His word. I didn't deserve that forgiveness, but that's grace, giving me something I don't deserve. I have asked some people for their forgiveness already and still have others to ask for I sinned against many and must get that right with them. I also see how merciful God was to me through all of this. In His mercy He spared me from ruining others lives because of my selfishness. I was a selfish friend, a selfish family member, a selfish co-worker, etc. I am so thankful I don't have to live in bondage to sin and can live free in His grace, but I have to choose to die daily to my desires and my flesh. (Galatians 2:20) Thankfully I have God's word and His grace and strength to help me have victory every day. It is amazing how now that the Lord has opened my eyes to my sin how often i see it. I feel like I am walking around and I say something or think something and I immediately think, "Mark that is so selfish" and I proceed to preach God's truth to myself through His word. 

     I had to learn that I couldn't keep picking bad fruit off of my tree because those bad fruits will grow back. When we look at the tree of our life we have to go to the root and not the fruit. The root of my sin of selfishness or any other root is always unbelief. It is something I am choosing, not I forgot, but something I am choosing to not believe about God. So now when I am struggling I am meditating on attributes of God and verses that coincide with those and I have them sitting at my desk. or posted on my cubicle walls, or right next to my bed at home. I must saturate my life with God's truth from His word, not my own thoughts or my own desires for those are not truth. Now in answer to my question from earlier, what is my motivation: My motivation isn't a pet answer that oh we should do all to the glory of God, even though that is true. To many times we just say the common answer and we do not truly apply it to our lives. My heart felt answer then is that in all I do, whether talking to friends, or family, or co workers, or whatever I think or whatever I must do with my hands, even in the menial things like breathing and eating and sleeping (things we don't really think about but just do) I will look to give honor to God in all things. That means when I am annoyed with someone at work, or when I don't feel like serving others, or when I am tired I must live my life to honor Him in every relationship, in every thought, and in every deed. Not for me, or how I can get credit or have it benefit me. No, only for His glory and honor. I know I will not be perfect but I am so thankful God has been giving me a tender spirit and when I fall I must get right back up. (Proverbs 24:16)

    So Be of Good Courage, if you feel defeated or hopeless or lost or helpless there is a God who loves you. We must choose to overcome our feelings and desires and learn that only God knows best, not you and not me. I preach this to myself every day. When we struggle in life, no matter what it is, we must take God's truth from His word and preach it to ourselves amidst our struggle. God is the only one who can truly change us and I am so thankful for His hand in my life and the different things He is putting in my path. Easy to say and yet even harder to live but I am so thankful for His grace and mercy, He is a great God and greatly to be praised!